The Story of the Pet Witch
by Cynthia Taz
Summary: Her whole world changed since she came... and even more when she came. (AU, WDarla & WTara)


**The Story of the Pet Witch**   
by **Cynthia Taz**

Disclaimer:   
All characters, sites and such from 'Buffy, The Vampire Slayer' and 'Angel' belong to Joss Whedon, UPN, WB, and et al. All other new stuff belongs to the author (Yah me!). This story is not sell or for any profit.   
Summary:   
Her whole world changed since she came... and even more when she came. (AU, W/Darla & W/Tara) 

Arthur Notes:   
This is a total AU story. I wrote it a long time ago but only recently that i've dug it out edited it. It's all in Willow's POV. Hope you guys like it.

* * *

It was the Science Camp for the Gifted in the summer in 1996 when I first met _her_. I was fourteen at that time. _She_ had came to the site the second night of our camp with all her minions, killing us one by one. "I need more clever minions." _She_ reasoned. 

Of course, we were just a bunch of kids... We screamed, we ran, until the fact that we were going to die settled in. The kids left were all sobbing, some turning towards the wall as if waiting for execution. Me? Not though. I had to be tough. To be strong. So, I stood there, in the middle of the room, in front of them... of _her_, while the others were waiting for their death at the corner. 

_She_ stared at me, _her_ yellow golden eyes flashed with curious. "Don't you scare of me?" _She_ asked, _her_ tone somehow amused. "Don't you scare of death?" 

"I don't know..." I don't know why, or how, but my confusion overrode my fear. I sat on the bed, and start thinking. "Should I be scared? Normally, I should. After all, I am going to die. But then, if it is something that's unavoidable, then what's the point of being scared? I mean, human died. That's what we do. Everyone knows that. So, basically you're expecting to die starting from the day you were born. You would be scared if someone suddenly jumped on you in the dark because they were not to be expected. So, logically, you shouldn't be scared because you had expected yourself to die... is it?" Paused. "But fighting for survival is genetically programmed in every living thing. So, theoretically, I should be scared. Because when you're scared, your heart will beat faster, providing more oxygen and energy to your muscles and such... So, um, I should be scared. Yes. I should." I nodded, repeating the answer, just like the way I did every time when I figured out a complicated calculation. 

_She_ laughed. A laugher that I learned to appreciate when times went on. _She_ held my hand, pulling me up from the bed... pulling me out from the room of death into the dark night. "You should, but it's not your time yet." 

"Not my time?" 

"Time... is meaningless. Especially for immortal like me." _She_ said softly. "And sometimes it could be... boring." 

"Because of having too much time? But time is a complicated concept. I mean, you can think of a minute as too long, but you can also think of it as too short. It's all depending on-" 

"Your perception." _She_ finished it for me. I smiled. Sometimes I wondered why I would smile at that time. "What's your name?" 

"Willow. Willow Rosenberg." 

_Her_ yellow golden eyes turned into sky blue. The lump on _her_ face disappeared, leaving a beautiful human face in front of me. _She_ bent down, and kissed my forehead. "Darla." _She_ said. A name that I learned not to forget since then.

...

It was huge news at the time. Thirteen people, including eleven kids and two instructors died in a mystery explosion in a camp site just outside Sunnydale. An explosion which police believed to be caused by gas leak. Only one survival was found... she was wondering in the woods at the time, lucky enough to avoid the deadly explosion. I laughed when I read the news. I was so lucky under the eyes of the world... the world that belonged to human. 

My parents died two weeks later. It was the first time I realized something... that I would never get away from _her_. My parents just came back from their other tour, asking me to stay at home for a night until they left for another lecture in Chicago. _She_ wasn't pleased... I was staying with _her_ every night since _she_ had 'saved' me from that 'explosion'. And to show how unpleased _she_ was, to make sure that I understood the point of me being _hers_... _she_ tortured them, days and nights, until they couldn't take it anymore and begged for death. I screamed and begged for mercy... mercy for my parents. _She_ didn't show any though. "Mercy is something humans do... I don't." _She_ told me. "You belong to me... and me alone. I hate competition." Then _she_ smiled, handing me a knife. "Though, since you're still a human, I'll let you show your mercy... to them." 

I still remember the feeling of that strange and yet beautiful knife in my hand... how the handle fit my small, innocent hand... as if it was made just for me. "Make your mistress proud, my pet." _She_ said. "And show your parents mercy." 

So I did. I killed my mother first. She had already lost her sight back then... her eyes were being crawled out. She was breathing hard, small nonsense rumbles could be heard from her once filled with logic mouth. Her heart was beating, but her mind had long gone. I held the knife, and made a smooth slide on her throat. Her head dropped, her soul freed. 

My father wasn't in much better situation at the end, but at least he still had his mind. He looked into my face... his daughter's face that covered by her wife's blood, and nodded. His eyes spoke. "Do it. Willow. Do it. Don't make your mother wait too long." So she did... I did. The knife reached for his throat, the same knife that had slid open his wife's throat just minutes ago... and died... by the hands of his own daughter.

...

I never knew how, but _she_ settled everything for me, and I officially moved into _her_ mansion since then. Every day, I would wake up by _her_ side, doing some reading or internet surfing. When the sun goes down, _she_ would wake up and go hunting, doing whatever a master vampire had to do. And when _she_ came back, with blood on her shirt, _she_ would bath me, talking to me, whispering in my ears, telling me tales about _her_ and Angelus, and petting me until I fell asleep. 

Things went the same, and the same, and the same, until one day. It was a week before the school started again. I was studying 'The Tale of Vampire' in _her_ room when I suddenly felt _her_ cold arms around me. "Hey pet." I let myself fell into _her_ arms... the only thing I could do... the only thing I would do. "Ready to go?" I turned, and looked at her curiously. _She_ always told me to stay in the mansion... to stay in _her_ bedroom. _She_ gave me books that I read. _She_ gave me clothes that I wear. _She_ gave me things that I need, and threw away things that I didn't need... of course, needs in _her_ perception. 

"Out?" 

"C'mon." _She_ pulled me out of the chair and towards the wardrobe... the wardrobe that filled with clothes _she_ chose for me. "Put them on." _She_ threw a black leather pants and a white shirt on the bed, before putting on some clothes herself. I didn't ask further. Questioning _her_ wasn't something on top of _her_ list. You took what _she_ gave, did what _she_ told, and that's it. You only asked when _she_ let you, and asked only one, never more. I had learned the lesson the first week with _her_. 

After getting dressed, _she_ took me to the Bronze, the only decent hang out place in Sunnydale. I was glad that it was Thursday, the day that Jess and Xander would stay at home watching WWF... I wasn't sure what _she_ would do if _she_ saw the two human boys talking and touching _her_ pet back then... even the touching only went as far as a small hug or a hand on the shoulder. _She_ didn't like people touching what's _hers_... especially when that 'people' was human. 

We sat at the dark corner of the Bronze. I remember seeing Cordy and her sheeps at the other corner near the dance floor. There were times I wanted to join them, and times that I hated them so much that I could use up my whole evening cursing them... But now, looking at them... looking at her, I felt... nothing. She was nothing... they were nothing... just as I was. 

"Who is she?" _She_ whispered into my ear. 

"My schoolmates, Darla." I answered, just like the way _she_ liked... clearly, honestly, respectfully. 

"Do you want her?" 

"No. I used to hate her." 

"Used to?" 

"She is just a human." I paused. "So am I." 

"You're wrong pet." I felt _her_ pulling me onto _her_ lap, just like always. "You're my pet. In the food chain, you're already one level higher than her." 

I didn't answer. There's no need for an answer... _she_ wasn't looking for one. 

"Do you want her dead?" 

I shook my head... but not after I had thought for a second. 

"Choose one for me." _She_ whispered again. I didn't know what _she_ meant... actually, I did. I just didn't want to admit it. I looked around, before pointing at a boy sitting quietly at the far end of the bar... he was wearing a fluffy shirt and a bright orange trousers, his think glasses almost dropping from his nose. His whole outfit screaming 'GEEK'. 

"Geek boy? Why geek boy?" 

"You want more clever minions. Geek doesn't necessary means clever, but they mostly... resourceful." 

_She_ laughed, and gestured me to stand. _She_ pulled me towards the boy, whispering something that I couldn't hear into his ears. I saw his face suddenly flashed, his eyes cast down, his face turned into a panic, nervous, and at the same time... hopeful expression. I almost laughed. Almost. 

Soon, three of us left the Bronze, and turned towards a dark allay nearby. The boy, who called himself Jack, looked between us nervously. "A-are y-y-you s-s-s-sure you-" His question was cut short when _she_ kissed him, pushing him towards the dirty wall, pinning him there. _Her_ hands moving along his body, to places that I knew we weren't suppose to touch unless you were lovers. Then a short scream, a crack, and a thud. Noises that I had gotten used to now. 

_She_ turned to me when Jack's body hit the ground, not bother to clean _her_ mouth, but just kissed me on my lips - something that _she_ didn't start doing until the night I killed my parents - _her_ tongue tasting the coke I drank earlier. I could taste Jack's blood on _her_ tongue... in my mouth... even after _she_ broke the kiss. _Her_ yellow golden eyes staring at me as _she_ licked the blood at the corner of her mouth, and I followed. This was the second time I tasted blood... the first belonged to my parents. 

It was something I felt ironic, even until now. My parents gave me life by birth, and again when they died... as 'blood is life'... or at least that's what _she_ had told me. 

It became my new routine since then. I woke, I read, _she_ woke, we went out, I pointed, _she_ killed, and our night ended with a blood kiss... not even when the school started that the routine had changed. 

By the way, Jack never became a vampire. "I don't need resourceful now." _She_ said.

...

The school started. But everything hadn't been the same... I wasn't the same. My whole life, I was avoiding most of the kids at school - being one of the nerds made you hide - except from Xander and Jess. They were my best and only friends in the world... and to be more specific, Jess being my best friend and Xander my best friend I had a crush on... until I met _her_. 

I didn't know what had changed... might as well a life and death situation gave you a wake up call... or in my case, dead and un-dead situation. My two best buds had tried to talk to me, since they hadn't seen or heard from me except for the news on the newspapers about the science camp and my parents. But I ignored them. I ignored their existence, their appearance, their friendships... I still remember the hurt in their eyes the first time I refused to have lunch with them or hang out with them after school... but it didn't haunted me. It was the death of my parents that haunted me, the death of the kids and the two instructors in the science camp that haunted me, the faces of people that I pointed every night that haunted me. 

Cordelia and her sheeps, as usually, trying to tease me and make fun of me the first day they saw me. "Wow, Willow, someone died? Though I had to tell you, death do good on you, at least you have a bit better taste now." And then, they laughed. I was a bit surprised that they didn't know... well, not actually. They wouldn't know the world was destroyed as long as they could still shop at Gucci. 

"Thank you." I said, a sweet smile on my face. "And yes, death does do me good, especially when they're my parents." 

"Don't play with me Rosenberg." Queen C threatened, after a minute of silence. 

"You should have read the news. My mother's eyes were crawled out. She was raped before she died. My father's dick was cut off. Oh. They lost most of their nails on their figures and toes too. I would like to tell you more details but the police wouldn't want me to say that much." Not that they knew all the details anyways. "By the way, they died from lost of blood. Someone slid their throat out." And that someone was their only daughter. 

The whole corridor went silence. Harmony was the first to move. She ran out of the corridor. By the look on her face, I guessed she was throwing up or something. The others were just staring at me with fear in their eyes... including Cordelia. Somehow I knew I was making _her_ proud. "Sorry I couldn't stay but I need to borrow some books from the library. Good day." I nodded at them and turned, but stopped and turned back towards Queen C. "My mother was using the same nails color as you when she died." Paused. "It looks good on you." 

Rumors started spreading around. Some said I had gone insane. Some said I was a dark angel, bringing death to anyone near me. But the funniest rumor was from those comic geeks in the comic club, saying that I was some kind of superhero, going out every night fighting the dark force as revenge of my parents. I didn't care though... all I knew was everyone in school either stay clear from me, watching me with fear in their eyes; or stay clear from me, watching me with admire in my eyes. Oh, don't left out those who stay clear from me, watching me with pity in their eyes. 

Anyway, it was the start of my 'not-being-pick-on' school life. Xander and Jess still sometimes trying to talk to me, following me, shoving notes into my locker. Xander even managed to catch up with me one time when I was with _her_... of course, I quickly dismissed him. _She_ knew the existence of Xander and Jess, but I also knew that as long as I didn't get close to them, _she_ won't hurt them... yet.

...

The first semester ended, and the second semester started. A new girl came to town. Buffy Summers. A name that I learned not to forget too... of course, different reasons in the same category. 

The first time we met was when she was talking to Cordelia in the corridor. Same as the last semester, Cordelia jumped and move away quickly from the drinking foundation as I appeared. I slowly moved towards the foundation, taking a drink, when Cordelia quickly pulled Buffy away. And wa-la. Buffy Summers, standing in front of me during lunch, with a goofy smile on her face, asking me to help out her homework and hang out with her. Until today, I still wondered why she would talk to the 'dark angel' in the first place... probably either wanted me to scare Cordelia off (which I was probably the only one who could do that in Sunnydale High), or because of her own 'burning the school gym down' experience. 

Either way, she talked to me again when I was at the Bronze bringing drinks for _her_. I didn't really talk to her or anything though - _she_ was there, watching. After Jack, I finally understood how disturbing a name was - especially when you knew the name of that human who was killed because you pointed him or her to _her_. 

Without a name, you could almost pretend that you didn't know that face. You could almost pretend that you weren't responsible for their death. Almost. 

It was a special day, I decided later. Except from that it was the first day I met Buffy Summers, it was also the first night that _she_ didn't brought me with _her_ for the kill after I pointed someone. _She_ seemed tensed... might as well the reason why _she_ didn't ask about Buffy. _She_ had told me about the Master... and I had read a bit about him. I knew it was the night that he was awakened. _She_ was one of his trusted child, trusted servant. Luke was the other one. He was strong, and fast, and rude. He didn't like me much. "She is just a baby rabbit... why are you interested in her anyway?" He asked _her_. I didn't hear the rest. I didn't care. I was _hers_, and so be it. 

And another special thing for this special day: it was the first night that _she_ drank from me. _She_ always petted me and kissed me when _she_ came back... but that night, _she_ added 'biting Willow' on the menu. I could feel my blood, my life force, being sucked away from the two punching wounds on my neck slowly... too slow for my liking. And I knew - from watching _her_ killing every night - _she_ didn't really want me dead. Even if _she_ did, I don't think I would fight. I titled my neck, exposing even more skin to _her_, and let _her_ took whatever _she_ wanted... something that I did every night thenceforth. 

"Stay." _She_ ordered the next morning. "You can leave at noon." And I did. It was the first time I skipped school, and the first day _she_ gave me the collar that had been following me since then.

...

"Willow." Xander was waiting outside when I finished my class that afternoon. "I've been looking for you all morning." You could see he hadn't slept last night through his red-shot eyes. "We need-" He paused. "I need your help." Of course, I didn't really think of anything special back then. Probably borrowing homework or something. So, I followed him into the library. 

Buffy and Giles were sitting there when we arrived. "We need a map of the electrical tunnel of Sunnydale. Xander said you could help." Buffy said. 

"Why?" Not many people would want a map for that tunnel... especially when the Master was living there. 

Buffy, Xander and Giles looked among themselves. "Jess..." Xander struggled at the sentence. "Jess and I were attacked yesterday outside the Bronze." I felt my heart sink immediately. "He was kidnapped." 

"The va- bad guys got him. We knew they are staying around that place but we need a map to find the entrance." 

"Call the police then." 

"Willow, you don't underst-" 

"Call. The. Police." I knew, at that instant, that Jess was dead. _She_didn't say anything, but again, _she_ did seem a bit... unsettled. Whether Jess' kidnappers were vampires or not, I couldn't get them involved. 

"Giles, we had to tell her." Buffy said. You could hear the resolve in her voice... the resolve I once had on my face. "Willow, you may want to sit down first." I eyed her, but didn't move. "Vampires... are real. Jess is kidnapped by vampires. And we need to find him before he got turned." 

I laughed. I still don't know why I laughed. "And do you think you can fight them? A boy, a girl, and an old man?" 

"I'm a slayer. I am destined to kill vampires. That's what I do." Slayer. I had read about them - the one girl in the world who fights evil... the chosen one. 

"That makes you a watcher." I eyed the librarian. The three stared at me... well, Buffy and Xander stared at me in shock and Giles looked at me with calculation in his eyes. 

I took the chair in front of the computer and started working - but not in full speed. I needed to think, something that I tried hard not to do since the camp. I know slayers. They fought vampires. One died, new one called. She might as well my only hope to get away from _her_. 

But did I really want to? It was a question that bugged me since then... no. May be even earlier. In some twisted way, I depended on _her_... on a monster. I could no longer sleep without _her_... without _her_ petting me, whispering to me, holding me... _she_ was the only thing that kept me from the black hole of insanity, _she_ was the only thing I had left... even though _she_ was the one who caused it all. It was the moment that I finally realized - I was broken... I was a broken pet that belonged to _her_. I had long accepted the fact, but never realized it... until that day. 

And then the map popped up in front of me. I felt my figures slowly reached for the 'Alt' and 'F4' on the keyboard. And then, I froze. Not even when I saw _her_ the first time that I froze. I felt myself struggling against an unseen bond - a bond that most human has... a bond of conscience, the strange, beautiful, and yet painful bond which stopped human from being a monster... stopping myself from just picking up the gun and started shooting people around me. 

"This is it?" Buffy asked from behind me. I nodded. My figures were still on the keyboard, my thumb and index figure were still on the two keys that could destroy the only hope Jess had... even though I knew, then and later, that it was a hopeless hope. "There's no entrance!" 

I slowly moved myself away from the computer, from Xander and Buffy. Giles was still focusing on me. "You looked like you were having a war in your head..." He said several years later. It was. It was a war between the pet and the bond... the same war had been fighting in my mind until she appeared... and _her_ gone.

...

Jess was turned. Buffy told me before I left the school for the day. Giles was still giving me that calculating look, even though he did include me in the little research about 'the Harvest'. _She_ never told me anything about it... _she_ just said that Master would come back and Sunnydale would be ours... _hers_. And I knew, sooner or later Buffy and the others would know about me and _her_, and I looked forward for the day the slayer stabbed her stake through my heart... I pray for Goddess for this day to come.

...

The time of truth came when Angel (or Angelus as I had taken after _her_ preferred name for him until now) decided to confront me. I had heard all the stories about him... _she_ told me every night, entertaining me with their sick tales, calming me into sleep with their violence and deaths. The stories about him turning Dru fascinating me the most... even though _she_ didn't seem to like Dru much. Might as well because I felt myself walking down the same path as hers. "You're the first human pet I ever have, kitten. You should be proud." _She_ told me. And for some twisted reason, I am, even now. 

"You're _her_ human pet, aren't you?" Angel asked me, in front of Buffy and Xander, in the school library, two day after _she_ almost killed Buffy's mum and Buffy herself at the Bronze. Angel had managed to hurt _her_ badly, but _she_ got away. I had skipped school again the next day, taking care of _her_. "_She_'s with you?" 

"Tell him he's wrong." Xander pleaded. Buffy didn't say anything, but you could see the pain and disbelieve in her eyes. After all, I was her cool mystery hacker. Giles was standing behind them, an un-readable expression on his face. 

I knew there was nothing I could say. Angel slowly moved towards me, his cold hand touching my collar. I didn't move. I knew I should, but I didn't. I was so tired back then... I just wanted everything to end, either _she_ turned me, or Buffy staked me. I knew only these two would free me from... me. I prayed and begged for this day to come... but it never came, not even after all these years. 

"_She_ gave this to you... didn't _she_?" Angel asked, even though he already knew the answer. He didn't open the collar though. He just moved it up a bit, to see the never healed wounds on my neck. Soul or not, he still knows the rules - not to open the collar that doesn't belong to him. "How long?" 

"The summer I was in the camp. They didn't die in explosion. _She_ killed them." Might be my calm voice... Might be the fact that it included the death of eleven kids that around his age... Xander rushed out of the library. I could still recall the noise of him throwing up in the corridor. 

"_She_ killed your parents... didn't _she_?" Giles asked. For the first time since I hacked for them, he looked at me without that calculating expression. 

"Where is _she_? I'll stake _her_!" Buffy shouted, anger filled _her_ voice. "WHERE IS _SHE_?!" 

I flinched. I shouldn't flinch. I never flinch unless I did something that made _her_ angry. But I flinched. At the voice of an angry slayer, I flinched. 

"Buffy..." 

"_She_ didn't..." My voice was weak and tired. "_She_ didn't kill them... I did." Silence. The same dead silence I challenged Queen C the first time. "I had to... mercy... human... no vampires... competitions... hate..." I never was a good speaker, but my ability of even forming a sentence was gone by then... only pain left in the shell. 

I felt someone speaking to me... touching me... trying to comfort me... but I didn't remember the words... because I was gone by then. Just like the nights when the memory of the deaths haunted me, the nights when _she_ chained me in the 'play room' because I did something wrong or stupid, or focused me to watch _her_ torture someone I chose because _she_ was bored... I was gone. 

And the next second, I was back. 

Buffy, shoving away Angel and Giles, reached for the collar - the collar _she_ put on my neck, the collar that for no one but _her_ to touch, to open. And at the moment, something inside me snapped. I never really remember the details. Just I felt something went through me... something exploded inside me, and when I came back again, Buffy was lying on the floor, holding her head. "What the heck?" 

Angel looked at Giles. Giles looked at me. I looked at Buffy. "You're a witch?" Giles asked. I shook my head. I did read alot, from _her_ collections, but I couldn't even flow a feather back then. "Did _she_ put a spell on the collar?" I shook again. 

"You're a witch." Angel said, not a question but an answer. "You just throw Buffy away." 

I remember looking down at my own hands, the word witch echoed in my mind. The pain came back, and I felt myself droving away again... 

I must be shaking, because when I came back, Buffy's arms were holding me around shoulders while Xander holding my hands. I looked at them through my tired eyes. They were saying something, I was sure, but my mind wouldn't let me process anything as I felt myself droving away again.

...

I was lying on an unfamiliar bed when I woke up. I looked around, trying to figure where exactly I was, when Giles appeared. He told me Angel and Buffy was out finding _her_, and I would be safe there. I remember seeing something flashed through his eyes... I never ask him what he was thinking at that moment... I am too scared of what he might say... even now. 

Of course, back then, I didn't really care about what he was thinking. All I cared was that I wasn't supposed to be there. I was supposed to be back to the mansion by then. I had failed to go back on time once, too busy burring my mind in the books that I went back an hour late... and that experience wasn't something I wanted to go through again. 

So, after Giles left the room, I climbed out of the window, scratching my knees when I landed on the brush, and ran into the dark street of Sunnydale.

...

I was back in the 'play room' once again... the room where my parents and many others spending their last couple of days before their death. I couldn't remember how long I had been locked in that room... might be hours, might be days... it was always like that when I was in that room. I wouldn't remember anything except the screaming - the screams from my throat... 

But I remember every time when _she_ finally let me out... I wouldn't see the door opened, or hear the quiet footsteps when _she_ walked towards me. I would only feel _her_... _her_ cold arms around my hot and shaking body, _her_ cold breath when _she_ whispering something comforting in my ears... every time, I would let myself fell into _her_ arms, into the cold dead peace that always surrounded _her_. 

"I didn't want to punish you, pet, but you know the rules." _She_ said. I was lying on the bed, my head on _her_ lap. It always reminded me of those sessions with psychologist ... you know, those comfy chairs you got in the psychological clinic. "So, you said the slayer got thrown back when she tried to open the collar?" I nodded softly. "Ha." _She_ slowly lied my on the bed, and covered _her_ cold body over mine, _her_ yellow golden eyes commanded my silently. I titled my head, and gave her a piece of my life.

...

I went back to school after a week... _she_ had asked what I want and I told _her_... _she_ didn't like what I chose but as _she_ had said before - _she_ knew the rules. The pasted week was pretty much the same, except that we had moved into the Master lair, and I had another vampire fang mark on my neck - the Master. 

He had summoned me the day before we moved into the lair. I remember his undead eyes looking at me curiously... probably because I was his favorite child's first human pet. Since then, I was summoned to him couple times per week. Every time was the same: he would talk to me a bit, and then bit me. He never took much, much less than _her_, probably because he knew _she_ would drink from me when I went back. "You are ecstatic." He said. And because of these three words, I earned my reward - the permission to go back to school. 

I managed to avoid Buffy and Xander until the biology class we shared. I could hear them gasped when they saw me walking into the classroom. I didn't acknowledge their existence though. I was too scared - scared of what I might see in their eyes. 

They caught me up after class, and we went to the library together - just like the times before they knew about me and _her_. I still remember me walking down the noisy corridor quietly - as always, and Buffy and Xander followed right behind quietly - which had never happened before. 

"Willow." Giles called when we stepped through the door. His quiet voice was clear even with the noisy background outside the library... sometimes I felt like this library was my heaven - the only place that I could let myself fell back to the far end of the universe, letting myself listening to the noise from outside the door, knowing that they could never get me... of course, when Giles and Buffy and Xander weren't there. "I'm glad that you're safe." He said after several seconds of silence, even though we both knew it was a lie: it wasn't about me being safe; it was about me not being turned and _her_ letting me to come to school. Of course, his mind probably running the possibility of _her_ using me as some kind of plans to go after his slayer. 

It was at that moment Angel appeared from Giles' office. I could see confusion in his eyes. "Willow." 

"Angelus." He flinched. Being called by his demon name surprised him, even though it wasn't really a surprise if you considered my role as _her_ pet. But it was the past. Angel is the name I called him now. 

"_She_ let you come back?" I nodded. "Are you going back to _her_ after school?" I nodded again. 

"Willow," Xander reached out for me, but stopped as he watched me backing away from his touch. "We can protect you." He pleaded - helpless filled his voice. 

"Darla didn't hurt me." 

"And you just accidentally hurt your neck every night?" 

"Darla didn't hurt me." I repeated. It was the truth that none of them understood - might be Angelus, since he was a vampire too. 

"Willow, I understand that you're trained to obey your... your..." 

"Mistress." I continued for him. For some reason, the idea of 'mistress' or 'master' disturbs him... them. Buffy and Xander looked at me as if I was crazy, as if I wasn't suppose to say that word that easily... that right. _She_ never asked me to call her 'mistress' though. In fact, _she_ asked me not to. "Mistress sounds so... old. Call me Darla." _She_ said. 

Giles sighed. "But we can protect you Willow. Tell us where-" 

"Sorry." I knew from the start where the conversation would go... but might as well I should use this chance to make them understood: there was no one here they needed to save, to protect... because I wasn't to be saved... I didn't want to be saved. "This is _her_ decision to let you know where we live." 

"What does _she_ want?" Angel asked again. "I know Darla. _She_ won't let you go unless _she_ was planning something." 

"Darla doesn't use me to get to you guys, if that's what you mean..." I replied, calmly. "...Angelus." 

Angel flinched again, although this time not as obvious as the last time. "Willow-" 

It was the bell that saved us all. I stood, saying goodbyes to them politely, and left the polluted heaven.

...

They tried to guilt trip me, they tried to threaten me, they even tried to plead me to let them help me. Of course, we all knew that it wasn't the only reason. _She_ was a dangerous vampire. They were lucky to manage to hurt _her_ last time... as long as _she_ wasn't dusted, they could never get a good night sleep. 

Of course, the minions sent by the Master kept them at bay. The Master never told me anything, but deep down I knew he was forming a plan to free himself from the invisible cage he was in. "Pet needs not know." He said. "You will know soon enough." 

So, when I heard the prophecy about the slayer's death, I wasn't really surprised. Most of the slayers died before twenty - if you managed to keep yourself alive two years after being called, you were already considered as 'really good'... and Buffy had been called almost a year at that time. Though, it was a shame that Buffy overheard Giles and Angel's conversation about the prophecy... I wondered if she would win if she didn't know she was actually fighting her last battle - at least according to the prophecy. 

I wasn't there when Buffy died for a minute fighting the Master, but I was there when she staked him. His undead eyes moved towards me the moment his flesh turned into dust. _She_ was fighting Angel at that time, and the shock of watching _her_ sire turned into dust push _her_ towards the exit... leaving _her_ pet and _her_ dusted sire behind.

...

I had stayed in the lair for couple of days before moving back to the mansion I first lived with _her_. _She_ didn't appeare since Master's second death, and I doubted if _she_ would ever come back. But what could I do? I had nothing. I didn't even have 'me'. So, in the following weeks, I went to school at day, and then back into the mansion at night. Most of the minions out there didn't dare to trouble me, but even if they did, my magic had provided me a small protection - well, at least I could keep myself safe... from them. 

Giles, Angel, and even Xander and Buffy had offered to let me stay with them. I refused. You might think it's sick, but some part of me was still waiting for _her_ to come back - to claim what was _hers_. 

I didn't need to wait for long though. _She_ came back the week before summer holiday started. Of course, the Scoobies weren't so pleased when they heard _her_ return, but after fighting for a month or so, an unspoken agreement was reached: the Scoobies would go after her only when they caught her draining people or turning them, and the mansion we were living in were out limited. 

Everything went back to normal... until she came.

...

I remember the day when I first met her. She was standing in the middle of the library, her head holding up high, staring at me, stripping me naked with her sea blue eyes. "Tara MaClay. She's a slayer." Buffy said. "We figured that she was called when I... you know?" 

"Oh." I took my usual seat in front of the computer and turned it on. 

She walked towards me, her hand touching my collar lightly. "You're a pet." 

The air suddenly frozen in the library. We all turned at her with wide eyes, but Giles was first to speak. "H-how-" 

"My watcher believed that you have to understand one before you fight one." 

"I see." Giles took off his glasses and started polishing it in a 'my-glasses-aren't-dirty-but-I'm-not-comfy-with-the-situation' matter. Buffy raised an eyebrow at him. "Well, I got some books here if you want?" He asked. 

"No thanks." Buffy shook her head. "Reading? Just not my thing. Give me a stake and I'll stake them for ya." 

The gang continued their chatting, none of them saw Tara bended down with her mouth near my ear. "Who's your mistress?" I could feel her hot breath against my skin, stirring some strange feeling down in my stomach... something that I had never felt before. 

"Darla." 

"Angelus sire?" I nodded. "Interesting." She whispered again before moving away. 

I stopped moving for the next five minutes. The strange feeling in my stomach refused to go away. It was something that I had never felt before... something that I didn't understand back then. 

Since that day, the name Tara MaClay deeply implanted into my brain and filled my thoughts. Nothing, not even _she_ could bring me a quite moment... not even _she_ could take her out of my mind.

...

It was the parents' teachers' night when I first met Spike. He had brought a group of minions to the school and attacked Buffy and Tara. It was in the corridor that he saw me - saw the collar on my neck. "Interesting." The same word Tara used when she knew about _her_. "So you're Darla's bitch?" I remember him shoving me against the wall, his head bended down on my shoulder, his cold breath against my skin. "Has _she_ fucked you yet? Has _she_ fucked your brain out, and then make you beg for more?" 

I flinched, not because I was scared of him, but because the answer of that question was no. I had studied enough to know that having sex with her mistress was one of the jobs on human pet's description. Yet, _she_ hadn't touched me. _She_ did pet me and kiss me and touch me... but not 'touch-touch' me. Deep down I had been wondering if _she_ would ever touch me... I still didn't understand why _she_ had chose me as _her_ human pet in the first place, and the insecurity feeling getting worst every night _she_ slept but not sleeping with me... 

"You look good enough to eat pet." I could feel Spike's lips touching my cheek, my neck, and slowly going further down... I didn't do anything, except standing there, letting him doing whatever he wanted... until she came. 

"Let her go!" Tara appeared from behind Spike, her hand holding a stake, her eyes flashed with cold anger. 

"What do we have here?" Spike smirked, turning towards Tara. "Isn't that-" 

Tara didn't wait for Spike to finish the sentence but charged in immediately. The two shared fists and kicks, until Buffy joined in the fight. Spike had escaped, with Buffy right behind his tail, leaving me and Tara standing at the same spot where Spike had kissed me. 

"Why?" Tara asked. I didn't see her expression at that time. Her back was facing me. "Why did you let him kiss you?" 

"I don't know." I told her. And then, she left, leaving me standing there confused... confused with myself, with Tara, with this whole world.

...

That night, I was locked in the 'play room' again: a punishment for letting Spike kissed me. "I don't like anyone touching what's belongs to me." _She_ said. 

When _she_ finally carried me out of the room and back to _her_ bed, I did something I never did before. "Why?" 

_Her_ fangs were reaching my neck at that time. _She_ stopped, slowly moved up, and looked at me through _her_ golden eyes. 

"Why?" I asked again. 

_She_ frowned. "Why what?" 

"Why didn't you fuck me?" 

_She_ laughed. I remember _she_ was laughing so loud and so long that I was sure _her_ stomach was hurting. "You want me to fuck you?" 

"I don't understand." I said. 

"That's why you let Spike touch you?" _Her_ laughter died, _her_ tone turned serious. Dead serious. 

"I don't know." I told _her_. 

I was so sure that _she_ was going to knock me back in the 'play room' at that time, but _she_ didn't. "You're a good pet." _She_ finally said. I looked up at _her_, surprised by the warm expression on _her_ face. "And you're mine." 

That was the night I lost my virginity.

...

I went back to school a week later. Buffy and Xander were so relieved when they saw me matching into the library. "I'm so worried!" Xander said. I wasn't sure why they would be worried, or even why they would care... but I didn't care either. I took my usual seat in the library (which was in front of the computer) and started my usual routine. 

Tara had enrolled into the school as Giles' niece. Since then, I spent most of my free time helping Tara catching up with her homework. It wasn't hard either. Different from Buffy, Tara was more... resourceful. She loved to read, she was clever, and she did study - probably the biggest difference between her and Buffy. 

But our relationship was restricting on academic and demon research solely... until Angel lost his soul.

...

Angel had lost his soul after making love with Buffy. It was the hard time for all of us, especially Buffy. She felt so wicked that her vampire boyfriend would lose his soul because of their... love. Probably the only one who was most comfortable with the situation was Xander... sometimes I doubted dating Cordelia was his only way to get some comfort from being so close yet so far from Buffy. 

For me, it was hard not because Xander was dating our old childhood enemy or Angel losing his soul, but the fact that _she_ had spent more and more time with Angelus. 

_She_ had to move to the warehouse with Angelus, Spike and Dru, bringing me with _her_. Dru was okay, Spike was a jerk, so was Angelus, but the hardest thing was watching Angelus getting more and more attention from _her_. "What do you except?" I remember Spike's cold eyes staring at me, an evil smirk on his face. "You are just a pet, a plaything." 

I didn't need Spike to remind my position at _her_ point of view. I had already accepted the fact that I was a pet... a plaything that belonged to _her_. But I guess no matter how broken I was... there was always some part of me that wanted that monster... the monster that owned me... just like a child wanting nothing but fully attention from their parents. 

So, I fought. I fought for _her_ attention. I missed more and more school, staying at the warehouse, hoping _she_ would spend more time with me. I even tried to do wrongs, to get Darla to take me back to the mansion and lock me into that nightmare - just for that couple of minutes when she finally carried me out into her bed. Nothing worked though - nothing could bring _her_ back to me. 

Then, it happened. 

It was a usual Tuesday at school. I reached the school at the morning, spending my free time doing researches and my own study, ignoring the strange and calculating looks from Giles and the others. I remember myself finished reading the extra materials for next week's English class. I excused myself from the library, and went into the washroom at the far end of the corridor - the washroom that only Willow Rosenberg and her friends used - the Scoobies' washroom as Buffy called. 

Suddenly, the washroom door swing opened. I was washing my hands when Tara matched in. She looked at my reflection in the mirror, her blue eyes staring at me as if undressing me. I looked down at my own hands again, excepting her to go into one of the toilet, when I suddenly felt her arms on my shoulder, spinning me around harshly, her blue orbs stared into mine. 

"You let her touch you." She whispered. I laughed, but she didn't. She didn't think it was funny. "You let her fuck you. Why?" 

"I am _her_ pet." I told her. I could feel the strange feeling in my stomach slowly turned into pain, matching the pain on my shoulders... matching the pain leaking out from her eyes... pain that I had never see or feel before. 

"What about Spike? Angelus? Even Dru?" 

"I..." I looked away. "I am _her_ pet." 

"Leave _her_." 

"I am _her_ pet." 

"_She_ doesn't own you." 

"I am _her_ pet." 

"I can protect you." 

"I am _her_ pet." 

"I love you." I paused, my eyes slowly moved up from the floor to her legs, her torso, her neck, her face... her eyes. "I am in love with you." She whispered. The usual cold and calm slayer looked at me through her now tearful blue eyes. "I am in love you, Willow Rosenberg. Please. Let me love you." 

I felt my eyes slowly droving back onto the floor. "I am... _hers_." I whispered. 

She slowly let go of my shoulder. Somehow, I knew it was more than my shoulder. She was letting go of me. And when the realization hit me, I snapped. The same unknown feeling that had snapped the day when Buffy tried to open the collar. My head shot up, my body moved towards the slayer, violently pushing her towards the wall nearby, and kissed her. 

I didn't go back to the mansion that night. And for more than a year, the collar was opened the first time by someone who wasn't _her_. 

It was the first time in my life that I made love.

...

We both missed our dinner, our breakfast, our classes, our lunch, our afternoon classes, and then again our dinner. But we didn't care. We just lay on her bed, our naked torso leaning on each other, enjoying the warm we shared... until the night came again. 

"I have to go back." I told her. She sat up, ignored the blanket sliding down onto the bed, ignored the fact that she was naked. "I have to go." I repeated. 

"No." She said, so forceful that I almost agreed with her immediately. Almost. 

"I have to." I left the bed, and started picking up the clothes on the floor. 

"No." She grabbed my arms before I could react. She turned me around, focusing me to face her. "No." 

"I have to." I repeated. 

"_She_'ll kill you!" 

"_She_'ll kill us all if I don't." I insisted. I knew I shouldn't be with her... I shouldn't be selfish. I should have learnt after my parents'... I wasn't going to make her paid for my fault. Not again. 

"I can protect you." She pleaded. "I will protect you." 

"No... no one can protect me." I harshly put on my clothes and pants, and tighten the collar on my neck. "I am... not to be saved." I told her, and left.

...

I was finally backed to the mansion... backed into the nightmare. Only this time, _she_ was there with me. "You let her touch you." _She_ growled. "I can smell her all over on you!" I guessed I had gotten what I wished for. _She_ tortured me day and night... not only physically, but mentally and sexually. By the time she had finished her punishment, I was so gone that I couldn't even remember my name... I had become a mindless doll... a mindless human doll that belonged to _her_. 

Later, _she_ had once again moved us back to the warehouse... only this time, I didn't mind. 

And then, the fire came. 

Angelus had killed Jenny, putting her body on Giles' bed as a gift. "You should have seen their face." Angelus smirked, taking a slip of his red wine. I was sitting on _her_ lap, my tongue busying licking _her_ bloody hands - blood that belonged to some innocent that I no longer cared. 

Giles came for revenge later that night. He charged in, bringing fire and gasoline with him. The warehouse was quickly consumed by a sea of fire. _She_ was pulling me out when I saw Tara and Buffy jumped through a window into the warehouse - joining the fight with Giles against Angelus. I could see Tara's eyes flashed - either because of me or because of the light from the fire around. 

The last thing I saw was Tara and Buffy pulling Giles out from the warehouse.

...

We had moved back to the mansion after the fire, but my mind had set for something else. The second I saw Tara awaken something inside me... I was still a mindless doll, but no longer a heartless one. I knew I love her... the tall blond woman with bright blue eyes. 

It was lucky, actually. _She_ was so busy on planning another attack with Angelus that didn't aware the war inside me - the war between my mind as _her_ pet and my heart that belonged to that blue eyes princess. 

At last, it was Spike who put an end to it.

...

Spike rolled into my room one night with a piece of paper that contained a spell - a soul restoration spell. He asked if I could do it. I nodded. And the next thing I knew, I was locked in a small dark crypt with only the spell and a crystal ball. 

I couldn't remember how long I had stayed in the crypt. I didn't care either. I just wanted to crawl back to _her_ arms, to the monster who owned me, to the dead peace that only my mistress could give me. My heart lost in the battle against my mindless mind - the black hole of insanity had consumed the single light in me. I screamed and begged and prayed, calling for anyone who could hear me and bring me back to my mistress. 

"Do the spell, and you can go back to her." Spike said. And I did.

...

Spike did keep his promise, just not the way I first thought. I had lost my conscious after doing the spell, the lack of food and sleep plus the exhaustion after doing the spell had took everything out of me. When I woke up again, I was in an unfamiliar bed, surrounded by faces that I no longer remember - except for Tara. 

It was followed by a month of confusion. Not until this day that I did remember what had actually happened. Giles was kind enough to tell me about the time that I've missed - but not after a couple of years later. 

_She_ had been dusted, by the hands of her favorite child. Xander had been so excited about it that he blurred it out before anyone could say anything. Of course, the response he got wasn't something he had expected. I screamed. 

I was totally wicked at the news of losing my mistress. I was crying and screaming for days and nights, only the voice of Tara could calm me to sleep... if it was a good day. Sometimes I would just call out a protection spell, blocking everyone from my sight, and it was time that not even Tara could get to me. 

Giles had finally resorted on using a binding spell. They moved me - with extreme effort - from Giles' apartment to Angel's mansion. Giles had the coven from England to help him, making sure that I couldn't cast any spell, either to hurt myself or others. Angel and the others took turns looking after me, which included force-feeding. Tara had been there with me 24/7, since she was the only one who could even get a response from me. 

The confusing situation had finally ended when Tara was attacked by Kistosto. I remember watching the taller slayer stepping into the mansion with Angel and Buffy each holding her side one night. The others thought I was sleeping that they didn't aware of me watching in the shadow. Tara was badly beaten, her white shirt covered with blood, just as her face. Her dirty blond hair was a mess, her milk skin was even paler than me at that point. 

Buffy carefully settled her onto the couch before moving away for the first aid kid. Tara must had felt me as she suddenly sat up and turned towards my direction. I slowly matched up into the light, Angel and Buffy's voices were so close and yet so far away that I couldn't get a grab on what they were saying. 

My feet finally slowly brought me to Tara. Her bloody hand held up slowly and touched my cheek. Her mouth was moving but I wasn't listening... I slowly held up my hands, touching the huge wound on her stomach, and let my energy flew into her. It was some how difficult with the binding spell, but I managed to crush through the block and heal Tara. It was the last thing I remember before I slipped into darkness again... it and the sea blue eyes that staring at me with love.

...

When I woke up again, Tara was there, by my side, holding my hands as if our life were depending on it. The bruise on her face had already disappeared, with only dark circles around her eyes, indicating her lack of sleep. "I love you." She whispered. 

I didn't response. I didn't need to. My eyes told her everything - she always understands me with just a look of my eyes. "You eyes always speak to me." She told me few years later. 

It was a busy summer followed. I had to go back for the summer classes to make up those I had missed. Giles had wanted to send me to England - the coven was very curious of how a young girl without any magical training could have such a power to bust through a binding spell and healed someone. Of course, study always came first in Willow's Rosenberg's live. At last, the coven had sent Emily to Sunnydale, studying me and at last started teaching me about magic 'til the end of the holiday. 

But thing wasn't as good as it seems - at least not we all first believed. The more and more I found myself staring at Tara quietly until she instructed me to do something. I would sit on her lap or at her feet whenever she was in the same room with me, sometimes even licking blood off her - whether it was demon or human. 

Confusion never left me. The familiar contradiction as a pet and a Scoobies never stopped... finally, I knew. I was never free. I would never free. Never free from _her_, from the war that had started since I met the vampire, just as I was never free from the collar that stayed around my neck even after _she_ was dusted - I am a pet, always has been, always will be. 

The night I had drawn to the conclusion, I left the room I had been sharing with Tara - the bed that we were sharing, the bed that she was sleeping on, and went back to the mansion. I stepped into the room that belonged to _her_, took off my clothes, slipped under the red silk cover, and let myself fell back into the dead peace from _her_ that still linger there. 

Angel found me the next day. It was just after the sun set. I had missed my school, having sleep through the whole day. "Willow." Hearing my name, I sat up without thinking, and stared at the figure in front of me. Angel quickly turned around when he saw my naked form. "Ah..." 

It took me almost a minute to finally register who was in front of me. "Angel." I quickly tossed on my shirt. "You can turn back now." 

"We are worried." He said quietly, but didn't turn back. 

"Sorry." 

"I'll tell them you're here." Angel started to move when he suddenly stopped. "If you want to talk..." 

"Thank you." I said, and he left.

...

I told Tara that I had decided to move back to the mansion. To say that she was angry was an understatement. She was deadly worried, and royally pissed off. The fact that I wanted to even get close to the place where represented my time with _her_ push the slayer over the edge. She had disappeared for the next couple of nights, out there, slaying every vampires and demons she could fine. I ear-dropped Giles and Buffy's conversation that she even went to Willy's bar and slew the demons there, even though it is an unspoken rule that the bar is off limited. 

She didn't understand. They all didn't understand. The needs at the back of my mind were driving me nut. I knew it wasn't a good sign. Angel knew that too. He had been keeping a close eye on me since _she_ was dusted, and now even closer. We both knew what me moving back to the mansion meant - that I was forever a pet, a play thing... and the only ending I would have was either I went insane and killed myself, or became a pet of another demon. I might be living, but I was already lost in the sea of darkness, never to crawl out from it.

...

I didn't talk to Tara for the following week. She left the room whenever I arrived. The tension between us was so huge that even some of the teachers started asking. Angel came by every night, sometimes by himself, sometimes with Buffy and Xander, to make sure that I was all right. On Friday night, Angel appeared on my footstep again. I could see a fainted bruise on his face. He didn't need to tell me. I knew full well that it was Tara who did this to him. 

"She really cares about you." Angel said quietly. 

"I know." 

"You should talk to her." He paused. "It is not good for you-" 

"I can't..." Angel just looked at me quietly, waiting for me to continue. "I tried so hard... so hard to forget everything that had happened... but I can't... even worst, I don't want to..." I remember myself looking away, staring at the closed door of the 'play room'. "I don't know how to become human... to become something other than a pet... I don't want to hurt her." 

"You have already." Angel replied quietly. 

I knew Angel was right. But what could I do? I was just a slut, a demon whore. Who was I to be with Tara? Who was I to be worth for her love? I rather have her hating me forever, than to have her being hurt by me for the rest of her life. 

So, I stayed out of Tara's way... I stayed out of everyone's way. My life fainted back into the time when I just met _her_ - the time when Willow Rosenberg had stayed away from the rest of the world, doing nothing but living in the dark. It wasn't a time of happiness. There was no happiness in that part of my life, nor sadness. It was clam... not as clam as the time when I was sleeping in _her_ arms, but at least my brain had finally settled down... settled down at the path I was walking on.

...

"I don't understand." It was the night I came back from one of the research sections. The gang was investigating the latest big bad of the year Mayer Winklins and Giles asked me to hack into the mayor's office files. As always, Tara left when she saw me entering the library. I didn't mind though. It was for the best. For her. For me. 

That's why it was a surprise when I found her sitting at the front door of the mansion, several empty bottles of alcohol on the ground. Her blood-shot eyes burnt into mine, as if looking into my body, searching for my soul. "I don't understand." She said again. 

I slowly made my way towards her. So many words, but none could be used to explain to her... to the one I was in love with... the one I am in love with. "C'mon." I said. As much as I wanted to just run and hide, I couldn't just leave her outside in the dark, drunk. I opened the door, half dragging her into the mansion. 

It wasn't the brightest idea at the time, with my arms around her body and dragged her into the mansion that was. Because once our foots set onto the mansion floor, I felt her lips on mine, demanding, possessing. I pushed her away, and she fell hip first onto the floor. She looked up at me, tears roaming down her eyes. "Why?" She asked. 

"You should get some rest." I told her. 

"You should give me some answers." She said, an un-denied anger behind it. 

"Not now." I answered. She stared at me, once again trying to find something inside my eyes. "We'll talk later." I took a step towards her, and held out my hand. I waited for sometime before she finally accepted it. It was a small gesture, but I knew it was more than that. She trusted me - even after I have hurt her, even after all these time - She trusted me. And she showed me by taking my hand. 

And it made me sick... 

Because it is all my fault...

...

After settling Tara into one of the guest room in the mansion (_she_ never let anyone except her and me to sleep in her bed... well, and Angelus might be), I went down to the basement, to the nightmare where usually someone had to drag me into. But as a good pet as I was, I went there myself, and locked myself in it.

...

"Willow." I blinked when I heard Angel's voice. I looked around, and found myself in one of the guest room in the mansion. I couldn't remember what had happened... just like every time I was locked in the 'play room'. My confusion must have been written all over my face because Angel immediately explained. "Tara called us earlier, saying that you have locked yourself in the room with magic." 

"Sorry." 

"Tara said she was drunk yesterday..." I nodded. "Did something happen..." 

"No." I looked down on my own hands. "I just... I need..." 

"I understand." He said quietly. "But you have to move on Willow. It is hard, but you got to." He stood up. "I'll tell them you're awake." He moved towards the door flame when he suddenly stopped. "They have seen the room." He paused. "Xander and Buffy are talking about burning the whole mansion down right now." 

"Good to know." I answered. And it would be even better if I was inside when it's burning.

...

The gang had immediately gathered around my bed, all looking at me with sympathy, even Cordelia. Tara was standing at the back, her eyes staring at the floor, unseen. 

"We're so worried." Xander said as he gave me a bear hug. "I'm sorry." He whispered. 

I knew what he was sorry for... but I didn't. I deserved it all, even though I never told them that. "I know." Was my only reply. 

"Willow." Tara's voice brought everyone's attention towards her. Giles cleaned his throat, and told the others to left me and Tara alone. "Why?" She asked once the gang left and closed the door. 

I looked away. I couldn't bear to look at her - the sadness on her face that caused by me. "I'm sorry." 

"Sorry won't cut it Will." She took a step towards me. "Am I not good enough for you?" She whispered. 

"No." 

"Then why? Why do you have to let yourself live under _her_ shadow? She is gone Will." 

"I know." 

"I love you." She took another step. "And I know you love me. Why are you doing these to us?" 

"I..." I took a deep breath, before finally looking at her... looking at her sea blue eyes. "I..." I felt the vision in front of me blurred, but I continued. "I can't... I can't let you love me..." I finally couldn't take it and turned away, facing the blank wall. "I can't turn you into a monster..." 

"Will-" 

"I..." I didn't let her finish whatever she wanted to say, because it might as well my only chance to make her understand... "I am a broken toy Tare... A broken demon whore..." I took a deep breath. "A murderer." 

"No." Tara said firmly. "You're not-" 

"I killed my own parents Tara. I am the one who chose those _she_ killed. I shared their blood with _her_ every night we kissed." I wiped dry my tears, and once again looked up at the blue eyes slayer. "I **am** a monster, Tara. I don't deserve your love, and you don't deserve to be end up with a demon whore either." 

Tara said nothing, but stared at me for a long moment. Then, she took a step, and then another, and then another, until her legs reached the edge of my bed. She looked down at me, her palm slowly touching my cheek slowly, and I could see her lips slowly curved up. "I love you." She mouthed. 

"Tara-" 

"Shh." She put her figure on my lips. I closed my mouth, watching quietly as she smoothing my hair, the small soft smile on her face never left. "That is the reason I love you so much. You always think of other people first. But Will, sometimes you just don't get to decide what is better for others." She placed a soft kiss on my forehead, before continued. "I love you, and I do want to be with you. I don't get to decide what is better for you - whether you are willing to give us a try or not - but I do want to be with you." She smiled softly, even though tears started falling from her eyes. "I love you, even if you don't want me... even if you don't love me." She whispered the last part, and my heart broke into million of pieces. "But don't tell me not to love you... because you can't. Not even I can." She smiled sadly at me, before standing up and moved towards the door. "Tell me... when you're ready." She said softly before leaving the room, leaving me in the dark room with my own thoughts.

...

I remember spending whole day in the mansion, thinking. Angel, Giles and Cordy had dragged Buffy and Xander out with Tara, leaving me some much needed alone time. My mind had gone back and forth of all my life, then at what Tara had said... but most of them involved the sea blue eyes of hers. Finally, I made my decision. I put on the resolve face that I had lost when I met _her_, and matched towards Angel's mansion.

...

Angel smirked when he saw me standing in front of the mansion. "I will be patrolling all night." He said, before leaving the mansion, closing the door behind him. 

I slowly made my way towards the room that I had been sharing with Tara, taking a deep breath, and knocked on the door. "Come in." She called. I took a deep breath once again, before opening the door. 

She was there, sitting on the bed, her arms hugging tight at the pillow I used when we shared the bed. She looked up, her eyes widened when she saw me. The usual confidence in her eyes disappeared, replaced by nervousness which I knew was matching the one in mine. "Hey." 

"H-hey." 

"I..." I took a deep breath. "I-I have been thinking... I don't really have something that belong t-to me my whole life... a-and... and I really wanna have something that's just, you know... mine?" She looked up, a small smile slowly appeared on her face. "Can you be mine?" I asked, my voice couldn't help but shaking with nervousness. 

Tara's smile widened, and nodded her head. 

I couldn't help but feel myself smile widened. "I feel horrible about everything I put you through. A-and I'm gonna make it up to you." I once again put my resolve face on. "Starting right now." 

"Right now?" She asked. And I nodded.

* * *

FIN 


End file.
